Beginning Again: Every Day

Everyday I begin again. I begin by voicing and expressing gratitude for what I was able to do yesterday. Yesterday, I replanted the chia sprouts, exercised, brushed my teeth, made a list, drank water, cooked, cleaned the sink, showered and semi-planned for today. Today, I bought groceries, streched a bit, showered and moisturized my body and wrote this post. I am grateful for today, today. The invasive thoughts are here beside me. I am writing from within me. Today, I am grateful. Thank you. Tammi 💚💚💚

Things Aren't Going As Expected

Csiga has had three flats in less than ten days, the person I'm attracted to is giving silent cricket, it's hot in the tent and the bike road that is listed as "EuroVelo" is literally farmland with small stones on top. UGH!!!!!!!! So, why haven't I given up, I mean I could. Giving up is an option, right? No, it isn't. I cant give up. I know this. What if Csiga gets another flat, tonight, tomorrow, in the following days? What if I have to cycle on the highway for fifty kilometers? What if he isn't attracted to me? Are my spiritual senses fucked up? What do I do? Okay, lets do this. As an individual with compounded mental illnesses, I've learned that addressing each "crazy thing" is the key to rebalance; I allow myself to "go crazy." It's a coping mechanism as is wearing sunglasses and listening to music with headphones; they block out all the willful ignorance which enrages me. I'm learning how to not give in to the anger and rage; but, it's a difficult journey. People are so fucking ignorant, on purpose and I am fucking well aware of their desire to stay ignorant. Whew. Got that out. It really helps. I've heard some individuals comment that profanity is used by those who have no command of language, whichever language(s) they may speak. I've learned that this perspective is one I don't agree with. Profanity helps me release all this rage within me, brewin' and fuckin' stewin' especially when the ignorance of others is at its peak. I'm growing. There'll be a day when I wont need certain coping mechanisms, maybe, hopefully. Tammi

New Year Truths: My Racism, My Selves, My Journeys

This is the first day of the new year and I find myself, trying to convince myself, not to be a racist.
That was the last day of the last year and I bind my selves, dying to reminisce about times, craziest.
Tomorrow is the first and the last of the years of my journeys, sighing tired, I exist, energy laziest.

TRAINED FOR SLAVERY, BORN FOR FREEDOM: A Poem of Introspection

She told me it would be okay
That I should go there, with them
What I didn't realize that day
Was that they, was actually, just, him

He molded me and branded me
Into a creation of his
He, my Master
I, his little miss

Had I known he was not my first
I could have avoided the later mess
I watched my freedom drive away in her hearse
Along with the freedoms of the rest

There were many of us, "slaves"
Cult members, we now know
About their knack for discipline, everyone raved
We had no one, no help, nowhere to go

I fought and I fought against the tyranny they called HOLY
I watched myself disintegrate, surely and slowly
To their whim, I bowed, and accepted as real
No love, just hate, was all I could I feel

So now, let's return to my second Master, the man
Try to understand my memories, if you can
First her, now him, my mother, then her brother
Laid still, sanity killed, I've always belonged to another

She beat me, she loved it, I cried, inside died
He touched me, he loved it, tried suicide, came alive
Now confused?
Then, let me explain the name of this game

Suicide is Freedom, to a miss of six, abused and sexed
Control gone, liberty lost, no place to hide, and vexed
Tied to beds and beaten
Lied on beds and entered
She lent me to others for their pleasure and rage
Eyes opened to these "things" while I was still underage

I've been trained for slavery, bending to others' will
My freedom?  My body, at any moment, I can kill
I tried many times and failed, oh well
Who will accept me now?  Where will I go? Heaven or Hell?

Enters my next Master, THE ONE
He whom I see everywhere but is never seen
To HIM, even now, I run
HE never sees me as dirty, only clean

She told me, HE, THE ONE, would hate me forever
HE told me to obey her, my mother, to disrespect her never
So I did it, because I loved HIM, HIS WORD, I deeply felt
HIS WORD made it okay, the fucked-up life I was dealt

So, I read HIS WORD, every minute, every day, every week
From Genesis to Revelations, made me strong, erased the weak
Every spare minute I had, to HIS WORD I listened, I peeked
My interests, my curiosities had now been thoroughly piqued

But, wait, are these words really from HIS mouth?
From whose orifice did these scriptures utter out?
Then, I begin, to question EVERYTHING.  What is right?
I made a plan. Run away. Soon. When she leaves. At night.

May 1, 1995. I did it. I left. I was 17.
My older sister, also a runaway, was not quite as keen.
She knew the style of our mother, instincts invisible, demeanor mean.
My sister also knew of this harsh world, specifics of which I hadn't seen.

Welcoming me into her home, she shared with me all she had
For her sacrifices and love, if I could, I would be more than glad
But, I cant, you see, these emotions for me are strange and unnatural
People abuse, are not to be loved or trusted, my truths are factual

I have a daughter now, and to this ONE Master, I yet, pray
Give me a facade of love and care, for this is not my trained way
Let my childhood hurricanes produce her storms of protection
May my abusers' thunders precede her rains of love and laughter
May she know an authentic childhood and a beautiful life ever after

But, know, I must go and continue to break my personal chains
For so long, my life, my body, my freedom, others have claimed
All I know, is how to be Slave or Master, from them I was taught
Maybe, one day, I will lead a different life, have a new thought
Until then, I belong to the one who knows me the most
So, to that one, I raise my glass, I make this toast
Know who I am, see me for me
I am now a slave but I yearn to be free
 
C.A.C - Cheap Ass Copyright
These are my words from my life from my heart to you. Thank you for respecting and appreciating that.

What depression feels like to me

Make Me Marvellous With Minimal Money Monday: Beauty Shop Beauties

Okay, y'all.  Sooooo, even though I WWOOF a lot and live on farm 60% of the time, I still like to get girly, hmmmmmm-hmmmmmmmm...but, a sistah is on a budget.  What to do, what to do?  Head over to the beauty shop, y'all, okaaaaaaaaaaay, ok  :)  :)

3 lippies (plus 1 for my daughter), an eye pencil with smudger, and 3 eyebrow shavers, drum roll please ---- 11 POUNDS (20 dollars US).  Can y'all say deal?  Well, I can, that was a deal and a steal all rolled in one 

:)  :)

Lippie #1:  Sleek Creme Lipstick in Flaming Berry

Lippie #2:  Rapsodi Cosmetics Intensive Wear 08

Lippie #3:  Doris Michael LP21 Miss Purple

Whether in London (Peckham, where I purchased these gorgeous lippies) or in your local beauty shop, be sure to check out the makeup section.  It'll be well worth it!

Ciao 4 Now, Y'All!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET TO KNOW ME - TAG, Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, this was nice.  I had SO MUCH FUN doing this Get To Know Me TAG!  I think - I probably - I shoulda done it a while back...anywhooooooooooooooooo.  Get To Know Me, Y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  By the way, thank you to LuvHerLipstik for creating your blog and thus motivating me to finally do this tag.  LUVS  :)  :)

1. What are you wearing?

Red lipstick

2. Ever been in love?

Yes

3. Ever had a terrible breakup?

Yes.

4.  How tall are you?

5'4"

5. How much do you weigh?

70 kilos

6. Any tattoos?

Yes.

7. Any piercings?

Yes

8. OTP?

My sweet friend Alex (a.k.a. King of the Ratchets) and the Chocolate to end all chocolates :)  :)

9. Favorite show?

Golden Girls

10.  Favorite bands?

Danity Kane

11: Something you miss?

Sour pickles with long peppermints sticks (my Chi-town peeps will appreciate the utmost importance of these 2)

12: Favourite song?

I Love You - Mary J

13: How old are you?

36

14: Zodiac sign?

Taurus

15: Quality you look for in a partner?

Trust

16: Favourite Quote?

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

17: Favourite actor?

Meryl Streep

18: Favourite colour?

BLUE

19: Loud music or soft?

L-O-U-D

20: Where do you go when you’re sad?

Wherever there's quiet

21: How long does it take you to shower?

That depends...if I'm on a farm 5-10 minutes.  If I'm in the city, longer.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

That depends, too.  

23: Ever been in a physical fight?

Yes

24.  Turn on?

Cocky Swag

25. Turn off?

Complaining

26: The reason I joined Youtube? ...started a blog?

YouTube - for a rant

Blog - I yearned to return to writing.

27. Fears?

Living without my rage

28. Last thing that made you cry?

A movie

29. Last time you said you loved someone?

This morning

30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name? blog name?

YouTube (my name) - Just me, I am what I am

ColouredLipsGlobalTrips (blog) - need I say more?

31: Last book you read?

The Book of Fathers

32: The book you’re currently reading?

Fifty Shades of Grey

33: Last show you watched?

The People's Court

34: Last person you talked to?

My friend, Clelia

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

A couchsurfing host, perfect strangers

36: Favourite food?

This one is difficult - Italian and Mexican

37: Place you want to visit?

Russian Federation

38: Last place you were?

Save the Children Charity Shop

39: Do you have a crush?

Does Daniel Craig count?

40: Last time you kissed someone?

Two days ago

41: Last time you were insulted

Last month while volunteering on a farm

42: Favourite flavor of sweet?

Sour apple

43: What instruments do you play?

I used to play the piano.

44: Favourite piece of jewellery?

My black and silver bracelets (one was given to me 6 years ago by my BFF and one was given to me this Xmas by my daughter

45: Last sport you played?

Basketball

46: Last song you sang?

Clocks - Kat Dahlia

47: Favourite chat up line?

Just give me your telephone number

48: Have you ever used it?

Of course!  :)  :)

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?

This morning

50: Who should answer these questions next?

YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!